Cold and Heat of 3AM

I am a broken soul and for years I have been fighting.

I have been fighting the feeling that I am not supposed to feel at a very young age.

Whenever I reminisce my childhood, all I see was me crying.

I was crying because I felt the fear of being left, crying because when I woke up I was alone and darkness’been looming over me.

I am still a broken soul. I can talk to someone, but I cannot pour it all out so I keep it to myself and I know that i’ll be the one suffering but that’s what make me sane.

Sunny days is an illusion

A sunny day like this could not cheer up the falling pieces and memories you bounded yourself through time.

A sunny day like this could not help you get better when you’re still drowning in the thoughts of all the sorrow.

A sunny day like this could not mask the feelings of fear and falling apart.

Do not indulge in the illusion of a sunny day, because sunny days are seen before the heavy rain drops, and sooner you’ll feel the blues rushing towards the insides of you.

Canvas of Storm

The power was out, and everything was cold. The sky was crying so loudly that it hurt everyones ears, but not mine.

I love it. I love the sound of cracking light, the bluish-dark scenery filled with trees waiting to be thrown off. I love the drawings, of how it made the sky a big piece of canvas waiting to be painted on.

And I would watch, for hours, because the sky never stopped crying until night time. 

That’s how my life really works, filled with things that destroys you, but you love it anyway, because you see beauty in broken things.

The Before and After

It was such an obligation to stay happy.

That night was calm.
And I was calm.
And I thought that I am somehow accepting,
breaking down the walls that I built for myself.
I let you in, too deep.
You saw me, but you never really know me.
I tried to introduce myself,
gave you chances to see through me.
I was disappointed, for you only want to see
what you wanted, but not me.
I gave you everything, but why does it feel
like I’m still unhappy…
Why does it feel, like something is definitely wrong
Not you, but me.
It is I, the one to blame for all this mishaps.
And I thought I was curing myself in the process
but I only got worse.
Manageable, but worse.
And I’m so good at hiding,
that you do not realize that
I
was dying
inside.
Everyday
is a torture
for my soul
that’s begging
for
mercy.

Epitome.

It was that look in your face that made me realize what I really want
I thought I was a happy human being, making advances and beating my own monsters
but it turned dark, once more
that I filled my life with colors
But I am still a black and white
and as the water falls down my eyes,
as you hold me and hugged me,
I never felt so alone than what I felt before
and I was a flower that wilted through the years
and I was a bone that cracked for tears.

Sorted out and Moving forward

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I am a coaster of things

I do not know how many days have I been resetting my thinking of things but still end up with the same conclusion. Not until last night, where everything has fallen and fitted to it’s right places.

I am attracted to someone, not intentionally. But honestly, this attraction only lasted for weeks because of my desire to fulfill my old being and to trash my new one. I admit I have had my doubts with my special someone, maybe it’s my feelings speaking that it misses someone so much. Not him, or Him. But me.

I have missed myself for so long, I tried finding me, I tried every places and bits and pieces where I think I have missed and what nots. I have missed myself, and I’m trying to rebuild it. The “me” now is not me. And I know it’ll take some time to replenish the wilted identity, but I know I can do it and I know that I can be better again, way better.

To my friend, whom I thought I had feelings for. Thank you, for showing me things and telling me things about how to manage my life. You had unintentionally helped me in the process, but what the hell, help is help and I am grateful for it.You showed me how to value someone. And the feelings I felt for you was only an outcome of my obsolete behavior and that what I really crave for was myself. And maybe the attention that I do not get from him. You are my soulmate, a friend whom I can count on, whom I can share all my silly moments and darkest secrets. Someone, whom most would refer to, as the one in relationship with me. But we are friends. And I glad that I have found you, my guardian angel. My parabatai.

And to my special someone. I know I have been so distant these past months, and it’s my fault because of the desire for finding me. I’m sorry, it’s not intentional. And yes, my feelings seems to grow colder and lesser each days, but I’m trying to find a solution to end this madness in me. I’m still holding, I won’t leave. I may get tired, but I’m still here.

But I don’t know for how long.

Because the timing of my reality seems to be off, more and more, each day.

An Open Letter…

If I ever make you feel worthy about my love, I’m sorry. I should have not let you in, I should have not made this thing go on for so long. But how can I not? I thought I was seeing myself mend in the process, I thought I was gonna be okay.

So what happened?

I’m still trying, to hold on. But I do not fear the losing, what I fear the most is that I think I might be going crazy and this is killing me so bad and I just want to sleep all day or divert my attention to anything.

I’m still trying. I’m still holding, fighting, remembering what to hold and fight for.

But I am tired of fighting, and I wanted to waste away, again and again and again and again…