Some people will tell you that you could’ve done something in that certain situation to prevent the bad things to happen. They thought’s easy, but what they do not realize is that it’s very traumatic for that person, because not all person are as brave as the other.
So here is how my story goes.
Of course, as a kid, and too young to be specific, we have no ideas about things like politics, religion, academics, extra classes and stuffs. No, we are just enjoying life by playing with people.
But I am somehow blaming myself as I grew older and realized what really happened before. I didn’t know back then, like I was 4 or 5 years old. What do you know about touching someone, right?
It’s a playhouse. Some cousins and I would play, building walls through blankets and sleeping when we get tired. I always end up with my boy cousins, and I mean, nothings gonna go wrong because we were all too young, right?
Wrong. I was touched, in certain places, and I do not have any idea what he’s doing. I was half awake, and too scared to move, because practically, my whole body went numb. I can’t feel my body, like when you had too much to drink. I tried my best to shift position, just so he could stop.
He did stop, but whenever we would play, I would always end up with him. And it’s scary. Who would I tell? Who would believe? A kid or someone older?
Years passed, and somehow I had forgotten that traumatic experience. But I was reminded by it again, last saturday, when I drank my life to waste.
I know it’s not like that. But still, it keeps haunting me. It’s more light, somehow with affection. Hell, it was better than before. It was only a hug, but still, hands travelling your body is not the best feeling at all.
I wish people could understand, that not everyone could do something. Not everyone could make a move, especially when you’re so wasted your whole body does not respond to the thinks your brain commands it.
It took like 4-5 repititions in my mind before my body could respond. It was very slow, but it was worth it. But somehow, I am afraid.
Afraid that those might happen again, and I know it’s my fault for getting wasted. But he could’ve atleast made some limitations for himself.
And I think everytime I experienced these bad events, my soul tears to pieces little by little.