The Before and After

It was such an obligation to stay happy.

That night was calm.
And I was calm.
And I thought that I am somehow accepting,
breaking down the walls that I built for myself.
I let you in, too deep.
You saw me, but you never really know me.
I tried to introduce myself,
gave you chances to see through me.
I was disappointed, for you only want to see
what you wanted, but not me.
I gave you everything, but why does it feel
like I’m still unhappy…
Why does it feel, like something is definitely wrong
Not you, but me.
It is I, the one to blame for all this mishaps.
And I thought I was curing myself in the process
but I only got worse.
Manageable, but worse.
And I’m so good at hiding,
that you do not realize that
I
was dying
inside.
Everyday
is a torture
for my soul
that’s begging
for
mercy.

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