I do not know how many days have I been resetting my thinking of things but still end up with the same conclusion. Not until last night, where everything has fallen and fitted to it’s right places.
I am attracted to someone, not intentionally. But honestly, this attraction only lasted for weeks because of my desire to fulfill my old being and to trash my new one. I admit I have had my doubts with my special someone, maybe it’s my feelings speaking that it misses someone so much. Not him, or Him. But me.
I have missed myself for so long, I tried finding me, I tried every places and bits and pieces where I think I have missed and what nots. I have missed myself, and I’m trying to rebuild it. The “me” now is not me. And I know it’ll take some time to replenish the wilted identity, but I know I can do it and I know that I can be better again, way better.
To my friend, whom I thought I had feelings for. Thank you, for showing me things and telling me things about how to manage my life. You had unintentionally helped me in the process, but what the hell, help is help and I am grateful for it.You showed me how to value someone. And the feelings I felt for you was only an outcome of my obsolete behavior and that what I really crave for was myself. And maybe the attention that I do not get from him. You are my soulmate, a friend whom I can count on, whom I can share all my silly moments and darkest secrets. Someone, whom most would refer to, as the one in relationship with me. But we are friends. And I glad that I have found you, my guardian angel. My parabatai.
And to my special someone. I know I have been so distant these past months, and it’s my fault because of the desire for finding me. I’m sorry, it’s not intentional. And yes, my feelings seems to grow colder and lesser each days, but I’m trying to find a solution to end this madness in me. I’m still holding, I won’t leave. I may get tired, but I’m still here.
But I don’t know for how long.
Because the timing of my reality seems to be off, more and more, each day.