Contemplation in a daze

The funny thing about being a psychology student is that what you learn in classes, you apply it to yourself before you make the habit of analyzing and applying it to anyone else.

Every week, 5:30 PM in the afternoon of Thursday’s, would be our Social Psychology class. And last night’s topic was very interesting because it kind of got everybody hooked in and that makes the social interaction in the class a bit more lively than usual.

The topic was all about LOVE.

What a common topic for a discussion, you can say. But no, the lesson was discussed and was not generated to some couple-relationship shit perception but what love is and it’s forms.

So, it got me thinking. I was kind of confused about these past months if what I’m really feeling is love or not. And I can say that I have never been in love because I can’t seem to grasp the idea of it. It was a bit frustrating, telling myself that I know what I want and I know what I’m doing but the reality always bite me in the ass and it kind of hurts, really.

My heart ached through the discussion, for the fact that I think I’m just telling myself what I really wanted think. And I feel awful of what I’m doing to other people’s love, when they give it to me and I can’t give it back. I just take, and I know how that feels because I have my dumb love in the past.

Even though I know I have moved on and healed myself in the process, it sort of left me hanging on the edge, and just not letting anyone take anything from me anymore. And it sucks, because I want to give love, but I can’t. There is this barrier that even I can’t break down myself.

And I hate myself for it.

There are times when I wanted to cry, but I can’t, because this is my fault. Maybe a bit of whom broke my heart, but the thing was I let it consume me, take over me and now I can’t control it and it really frustrates me that I just want to shut myself down at times.

And I need to cry, because I know this is how I can relieved myself. But I can’t, I can’t cry because no water’s gonna flow anyway.

I just want to settle down, figure out what I’m about.


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